It's been so long since I had a moment to breathe. Barring Boston, which was the best fresh breath of air I think I've had since Germany, and before that I don't remember when.
There's something about traveling that helps me put everything in perspective. I'm able to step back from all the shit that has been tearing me apart and I'm able to hope again.
Hope's a funny thing, let me say that I have always had hope, I may have lost it once or twice in my darker moments, but it always comes back.
Walking around my elementary school tonight smoking and listening to Sigur Ros was relaxing. It's such a beautiful night. I will never lose my wonderment at just how pretty the world is. Knowing countless generations of people before me have been able to witness the ever-changing always-present sometimes agonizingly beautiful skies during the fall.
I've missed this season, I've changed a lot since last fall. I have a fairly confident idea of the future, it's a bit splotchy but the general idea is there, details just need to be filled in.
I've missed writing. Writing anything, I always feel good when I write. I feel rusty, definitely rusty. The way I write has certainly changed, I'd like to think that it's a bit more grown up, or certainly a bit wiser. I like to think that, anyway.
The next few months I have very few goals. I'm going to take a lot of time to myself, spend a fair bit of time spending time with friends who were ever-so-patient with me over these long months.
My only current goals are to
get into a college that I want to. There are a lot of options when I sit down and think about it. I might even take another year here in portland and just go to PSU again.
This I will talk about later.
I'm going to fail my C++ class. There's nothing I can do to fix that grade, many long nights spent studying and just not getting it. At least I learned online classes suck a lot. Well, for something as painful
as programming anyway.
In regards to relationships -- I'm not really sure. I tend to only think about being with someone when I'm falling asleep. In honesty I generally think about whatever crush / infatuation I have as I'm falling asleep every night. I really like cuddling.
Not sure where this will head. I could say more but I'm going to give it a few days... I feel like time may be my friend in this case.
Still haven't talked to Shannon since I got back, she keeps asking me to talk to her. She told me she expects an apology and I can not, let me repeat that, can not apologize for what I did. That would mean I think that it was wrong and if I am sure of one thing in life right now it's that few of my actions have impacted me so negatively in my life as the endurance of that relationship. Let me amend that to say it strictly in a mental health kind of way, that evil beast depression and I never spent much time together (full circle see above) before this past year. In regards to a continued relationship with her as a friend I know it will never happen, I should never have written it in a note. I feel nothing for her at all, and I haven't for a while now. She keeps sending me texts, the most recent one something like, "I'm going to donate your things to Goodwill in 6 months because after 6 months they are legally mine" and then apologizes for it ten minutes later.
(speaking generally) -------- "Things have changed" she says.Clearly....
I'm glad I'm back in control of my life. Well, not completely, but definitely a lot more in control.
Moving on to (another) thing that bothers me -- my mom.
I need to move out, the stress at home is crushing me, she doesn't have a job (because she was miserable there) but as of right now I am paying a large portion of our bills and rent. This is not something that I want to deal with at this point in my life, it is
restricting me and makes me afraid to take steps toward making myself happy because I am being depended on far too heavily. I've never really shared much information with you about this part of my life because it's something that is difficult to talk about. How many of you can say you have to financially support your parent(s)? It's something I would never wish upon anyone.
I need to stop watching depressing movies. The boy in striped pajamas left me bawling, then I watched a movie called 187 because it had Samuel L. Jackson and I was like, "Oh snakes on a plane man" and by the end of the movie he kills himself and so does this kid. Fuck that. I need a good comedy to watch. Maybe I'll download season...6? of the office.
Last night was great, I should have had a bit less to drink because I had to cut the night short. Awkward situation for me. I really enjoyed laughing so hard I cried. Thank god I still can. *wink*
Well, long post is getting longer by the minute. I think I'm going to start creative writing again with force. The only other self improvement I'm doing is trying to teach myself guitar. It's hard. Since I started 2? 3? 4? days ago I've learned.... a few chords. And I can play the first few lines of Shankill Butchers
. (all videos were bad of this).
Anyway, end of my long post. I'll be updating this semi-regularly to keep myself updated on my life (mostly as a reference point for improvement).
I really want to go for a drive, I'm feeling anxious for some reason and I don't really know why. Probably just need to eat and destress.
Good evening. Good night.
i will be chasing the starlight, until the end of my life.
Oh, quick addition, any music suggestions please post. Anything at all. :) Thanks, and hearts.